Once upon a time...

What happens when you can't keep track of a real diary.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

I didnt think it would work. I thought that it was not a possibility.
I talked to Sara about it. I told her that I still love Kelly... that I always will. I told her how powerless I felt when it happened... how I still do. I told her that I really don't know why I do so many of the things I do. I just don't know what else to do - I don't remember how to live.
"How do you know when you are planning too much?"
When planning takes the place of living.
"But, I don't remember how to live anymore."

I feel better. I knew that it was between us. I knew that I couldn't feel close to her without telling her. I didn't think that I *could* actually tell her.

But I did.

I feel so much better.
God I hope I can make this work, that she can go through this with me.

I may go to therapy... grief counseling.

Heh.. I may go to a chiropractor. I've been saying that since I was 20.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

I wasn't expecting to see her yesterday - I suppose that goes without saying.
The impromptu wedding was surprise in and of itself, but I could have done without introducing my wife to my ex-wife.

Here I thought that so much of this was resolved. It's not.

I still love her - I always will.

She's beautiful, she's smart...
She's one of the most negative people I've ever known
I gave her my heart... an open door to all that I am.
The door is still open, and it hurt to see her.

It hurts even more because she was my friend. I haven't been open to anyone else since her. I keep trying, but I can't really open up. There's so much I want to say, but I can't. I don't know how. I've had a line from a song running through my head since last night
"I'm looking at you through the glass; I don't know how much time has passed; but I know that it feels like forever. Noone ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head"

She was my home.
I'm homesick.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Music has always been my key

At vaious points in my life there have been 'dead spots' in my emotional response. Inevitably, I find some song, or some artist that finds the crack in the crust, begins to work it open again. Like a child digging at an ant hill with a stick, working it farther and farther open, opening me back up.

Picking at the scab. That familiar, exquisite pain - tastes like sour apples.

There I am, playing the same song, ... even the samemusical phrase over and over. obsessively trying to figure out - what is this? what is this... feeling? I... don't know.

It hurts. I think. I'm not sure. I'm just glad to *feel* again. It means I am real. I am really here. I haven't just evaporated under the heat of my own convitions and decisions. Somehwere, there is a hurt. Find my regrets, my pains, my sins. bring them up from the depths, open that hole a little wider - see what is there - you matter, you are.

For god's sake stop being so damned logical and distant.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

I feel a bit better.
Here in an hour, I'll have my part done, and it will just be a case of sticking to my budget, and hoping that I didn't forget anything.

Last night, I was getting pretty stressed. I'm glad I didn't let myself cancel on Kempo group class and my private classes. The time set aside for meditation at the beginning, thephysical exertion of the warm up, the focus required for the drills and then the new material I had to learn... For that short time - two or so hours, the stress washed off, and I felt very good.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I'm a little stressed.

It started a few weeks ago - I was actually quite happy. I passed my purple belt test without too much difficulty. I felt, in a way, redeemed. I had overcome the missteps of my orange belt test and come through. It took a lot of work, a lot of practice time, but, it was honest effort. I felt good about it. I still feel good about it.
The week after that was the big sale at USSD - I spent a bit. I paid for my year of lessons in advance, got a heavyweight black gi, a few weapons for training, some sparring gear, and some miscellaneous patches for decoration. I probably spent more than I should have, however, I was happy, and I justified it by saying that I would just have a lean month thereafter (which I have been holding to).

This week.
This week my friend called and needs a loan. A pretty big loan. I have already loaned him quite a bit (yeah, it's him), but, he needs it. My first thought was panic. I can't do it! After a few moments I started to reason it out.

I told him that I would take a look at my finances and would tell him today if I can help.

I can.
Barely.
The margin by which I can help him is so slim... I'll have no emergency fund. I will not be able to do anything. I will be able to go to work, cook out of my freezer, and that is all.

I hope that I didn't forget anything. If I did... I think I'll lose my house. Christmas is coming up... so are my parent's birthdays (12/25, and 12/29 - same as Sara's)...

He'll be allright. This should get him out of the hot water he's in. Hopefully, things will get better for him and his family soon (oh yeah, he got married last month. She already has a kid: Insta-family).

It'll be ok.
It has to be.


The margin is so small.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Oh, how I hate it when people say "I believe in you, Derrick"

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Things continue apace.
Kempo
Two belts in, and I am progressing rapidly. So much of it seems very natural to me. Especially since I got the idea of the way the moves can flow. I truly enjoy Kempo.

Work
No cost of living adjustment for work. I suppose I will only be getting my bonus (undetermined at this point) at the end of the year, as well as the raise for which I will be assesed in February. I'm revising my budget... again. Nothing too drastic, just allowing for my real spending capacity. I'm pretty close to being within it now, I just have to cut down on the frivolous big purchases.

Time to sell my house.
I've been thinking that for a while. but, now I have a plan of action. I'm going to get a temporary 3rd roommate to help until I can finish my remodelling (May) and put the house up on the selling block. That is, unless I find a place that is phenomenal between now and then. But, to be honest, I have been unimpressed with the offerings in my price range. I may end up with an apartment for up to 6 months.

Regarding Rocky:
I quite enjoyed working on this last week's pictures for Rocky. I'm learning Photoshop quickly (more than just a cropping tool!). I also plan on diving into Flash for a redesign of the site in general. The majority of the cast is doing well overall. We have one malcontent. I am struggling for a solution to his antics. So much is in the air, but it is exciting. I think I'll have CEI in a pretty good position in the next month or two.

Personal life
I'm happy.