Once upon a time...

What happens when you can't keep track of a real diary.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Five months later
Kelly is now only a passing phenomenon. Relegated almost entirely to the realm of memory.
I am buying a house - I close at the end of the week.
I still am completely unable to keep up with a diary.
So it goes.

Inspiration can come from such strange sources.

Recent weeks have forced me to finally face my impotent anger at mankind. A friend who is also my superior at work disappointed me greatly. I thought that was an unlikely occurance, as there are so many things we hold in common, at least when it comes to our values. Following that... let down, which I now realize was inevitable... I found myself face-to-face with the blank reality that I set expectations too high for people - and on the rare occasion that I find someone that meets those expectations, I raise them again and again until it is assured that they will disappoint me.

That was amazing - I never understood that I did that. The basic realization of my unfairness to the world struck me at that moment. My anger disappated, and I felt at peace. After a few moments I began to feel elated. This realization birthed another - now, faced with my own self-destructive tendencies, and their external manifestations (unrealistic standards, usually giving way to a martyr complex-type bailing out of the person I set up to fail in the first place) - I realized that I didn't have to set my standards like that. That I was not required to expect only the best from people. They are not my responsibility, and that lifting of personal responsibility for others gave me a feeling I haven't had in a while - happiness. I was truly happy.

I'm going to try to hold on to this as long as I can.