Once upon a time...

What happens when you can't keep track of a real diary.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Successes string me along.
I come close to surrendering to despair, only to find that I've won again against the odds.

So I redouble my efforts, I remember who I am, I continue on and I beat the new path, dragging the others behind me. A fevered problem gambler, I work desperately from win to win. I cannot cut my losses and leave the table. For, to me, that is failure. That is when I have finally lost.

I was almost certain they would free me. Unfortunately, people believe in me. They always do.

Destruction of my life. eh? Or, merely all I hold dear? I would welcome the freedom. I was close to that for so long anyway - what would truly change? I'll sell my house, trade in my car, perhaps I'll get a beater motorcycle, donate my clothing to goodwill - they are nothing but symbols and anchors anyway. Liquidate and reassess. Move, change my phone number, (change my name? I always did like the name Michael, or Christian, or Alexi, or), quit my job.

Disappear


Again.


Or, take up the reigns again. right the cart and reload the cargo. Press onward. Lead, protect, build. I know these things well. Construction and destruction are the ongoing themes in my life, in great swells and ebbs.

Who will I be tomorrow, I wonder.

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