Once upon a time...

What happens when you can't keep track of a real diary.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

I didnt think it would work. I thought that it was not a possibility.
I talked to Sara about it. I told her that I still love Kelly... that I always will. I told her how powerless I felt when it happened... how I still do. I told her that I really don't know why I do so many of the things I do. I just don't know what else to do - I don't remember how to live.
"How do you know when you are planning too much?"
When planning takes the place of living.
"But, I don't remember how to live anymore."

I feel better. I knew that it was between us. I knew that I couldn't feel close to her without telling her. I didn't think that I *could* actually tell her.

But I did.

I feel so much better.
God I hope I can make this work, that she can go through this with me.

I may go to therapy... grief counseling.

Heh.. I may go to a chiropractor. I've been saying that since I was 20.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

I wasn't expecting to see her yesterday - I suppose that goes without saying.
The impromptu wedding was surprise in and of itself, but I could have done without introducing my wife to my ex-wife.

Here I thought that so much of this was resolved. It's not.

I still love her - I always will.

She's beautiful, she's smart...
She's one of the most negative people I've ever known
I gave her my heart... an open door to all that I am.
The door is still open, and it hurt to see her.

It hurts even more because she was my friend. I haven't been open to anyone else since her. I keep trying, but I can't really open up. There's so much I want to say, but I can't. I don't know how. I've had a line from a song running through my head since last night
"I'm looking at you through the glass; I don't know how much time has passed; but I know that it feels like forever. Noone ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head"

She was my home.
I'm homesick.